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Declassified
Cold North District Containment Authority

Interagency Containment & Relocation Treaty

Designation CND‑TREATY‑0008 · Status: Active · Classification: Mostly Unclassified

WHEREAS an Incident occurred at 55 Central Park West, New York, NY, on or about June 1984, attributable in part to certain structural decisions made decades prior by Ivo Shandor & Associates; and

WHEREAS the entities designated ZUUL ("the Gatekeeper") and VINZ CLORTHO ("the Keymaster") were apprehended, contained, and subsequently scheduled for permanent relocation; and

WHEREAS the Cold North District has volunteered, under duress, to host said entities under the cover designation "National Park";

NOW THEREFORE the Parties agree as follows:

  1. Definitions. "The Gatekeeper" and "the Keymaster" refer to the above-named entities, presently residing at gatekeeper.thecoldnorth.net and keymaster.thecoldnorth.net respectively, or wherever the ISP's DHCP lease currently places them.
  2. Acknowledgment of Prior Incident. The Authority acknowledges the events of 1984 occurred substantially as depicted in contemporary news coverage, and declines to comment further on the rooftop, the dog statues, or what Agent Peck thought he was doing shutting off a containment grid he did not understand.
  3. Relocation & Cover Identity. Subjects shall be relocated to the Cold North District and disguised, for public-facing purposes, as a National Park. Said Park shall maintain: (a) a Visitor Center, perpetually closed; (b) zero (0) marked trails; (c) one (1) theoretical husky, serving no security function whatsoever.
  4. Perimeter Monitoring. The Authority shall monitor Subject containment via a recurring Dynamic Domain Name System inquiry (informally, "the Ritual"), performed automatically every fifteen (15) minutes, rain, snow, or ISP lease renewal.
  5. Wildlife Clearance. Zero (0) bears are confirmed on premises. The entity known as Slimer is explicitly NOT a party to, beneficiary of, or covered entity under this Treaty. Sightings should be reported to nobody, as there is nobody on duty.
  6. Public Signage. The Park shall display a sign reading "Now Entering — Please Drive Slow" at all times, regardless of whether anyone is driving, slowly or otherwise.
  7. Liability. The Authority assumes no liability for hauntings, marshmallow-related property damage, dimensional rifts, or disappointment experienced by visitors expecting an actual park.
  8. Stream Crossing. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL THE STREAMS BE CROSSED. This clause is non‑negotiable, admits no exceptions, and is the only paragraph of this Treaty enforced with any real urgency.
  9. Duration. This Treaty remains in effect in perpetuity, or until someone notices, whichever comes first, subject to continued ISP service.
  10. Amendment. This Treaty may be amended by the Authority unilaterally, retroactively, and without notifying the Subjects, who are not expected to read legal documents.
[SIGNATURE REDACTED] — for the Authority
[SIGNATURE ILLEGIBLE] — for the Subjects, under protest
Witnessed: P. Venkman (declined to be present), R. Stantz (sent regrets), E. Spengler (unavailable, in spirit), W. Peck, EPA (overruled, again)

Filed: Cold North District Records Office · Status: nobody has read this since it was filed.